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{ Movie Reviews }
Movie: * Battlefield Earth * (pg-13)
This is a piss poor rendition of the legendary L. Ron Hubbard's novel about
Pscyclos, the evil aliens who rule the world, but not for long. Why are
Aliens always evil? Don't they have right as well? After murdering most of
the humans 1,000 years ago, a young man emerges from the Colorado mountains
to search out other surviving humans and topple the Pscyclos. It's rumored
that the man is Ted Kycinski's illegitimate son.
Starring: John Travolta, Barry Pepper, and Kelly Preston.
Rating : I wouldn't see this movie again if it was free, and you shouldn't
either. Travolta looks like a cheap imitation of the WWF's Undertaker.
Movie: * Center Stage * (PG-13)
This is a danty little story about so called gifted ballet students that
strive for coveted spots in a professional dance company while they navigate
the rough waters of those hormonal teenage years. In short terms it is full
of bitching and complaining. Which you might here alot of if you attend the
movie. Twirling to Red Hot Chili Peppers and Tchaikovsky, the movie skims
through the stories of these talented teenage snobs so desperate to be on the
chorus line.
Starring: Peter Gallagher and Susan May Pratt
Rating : This movie is a small step above Battlefield Earth. It has some
redeeming factors such as young girls in tights dancing around. This is a
total chick movie. If your girl wants to see it, GO ! it may be the only time
you can stare at chicks and not get in trouble. If your single and
considering seeing it, you might be gay.
Movie: * Frequency * (PG-13)
This is one of the lone bright spots at the theaters today. A totally
tantalizing thriller,on the Back To The Future tip, minus that annoying
Micheal J. Fox. During a rare sunspot, a depressed cop receives an eerie ham
radio message before the anniversary of his heroic father’s death during a
1969 warehouse blaze and their beloved baseball team’s championship game.
It’s dear old dad, and the time-challenged duo team up to alter their fate.
But will altering the future mean Mom's demise? We sure hope so !
Starring: Dennis Quaid, Jim Caviezel,and Andre Braugher
Rating : This movie is well worth the admission price. It's only downfall is
predictability. Those who are tuned in to this movie can call every shot. For
the weak minded this makes for a ridiculously good thriller. I was upset at
the lack of sex and hot chicks. But don't let that stop you.
Movie: * Gladiator * (R)
This could be the best movie produced in a while. It has everything a movie
should have... gladiators, sleazy emperors, vestal virgins, chariots, fights
and gladiator gear demonstrate the Romans had the original market on greed,
betrayal, love, war and brutality. Finally a movie that kids can look up to
and parents can be proud of. This masterpiece holds many secrets to life and
the game of politics. Just for kicks Dino de Laurentis-style mob scenes and
exquisite costumes liven up the warrior bedlam.
Starring: Russell Crowe, Joaquin Phoenix, and Richard Harris
Rating : Two snaps up in a z-formation. I predict this is the first
blockbuster of this century and will be tough to beat. If this movie was
released a month or two later it could have been unstoppable at the box
office. If you want to see this movie show up early and please leave your
chain-mail armour at home.
Movie: * I Dreamed of Africa * (PG-13)
Based on the supposed true story of a privileged Italian woman who
relinquishes the dull boring life for the wilds of Africa, Kuki Gallmann’s
heart-wrenching story springs to life in Kim Basinger’s glowing embrace. When
she moves to Kenya with her husband and young son, her traumatic experiences
with poachers and murderous natural elements drives her to become African
animals’ environmental angel, with tragic and heroic consequences. In other
words she fights her cute ass off to stop the killing of animals that would
likely maul her for a bite to eat.
Starring: Kim Basinger. (everyone else was a non-factor)
Rating : This movie has more to offer then its deceptive title. It's just
something about Kim Basinger and the jungle that gets me going a bit. Granted
if she pranced around in animal skins the movie may be 5 star material, but I
was let down. I only recommend seeing this flick if your under extreme
pressure to do so.
Movie: * Love and Basketball * (PG-13)
Can a girl find romance and athletic excellence on the basketball court? Not
unless she has no morals. Another Spike Lee bomb, this sports romance follows
two outstanding basketball players who teased and dribbled since childhood.
Now the ball is in a different, more competitive court than the neighborhood
basket. Can their affection survive their ambitions? It really doesn't matter.
Starring: Omar Epps and Alfre Woodard
Rating: I really couldn't hear this film due to the yelling and screaming at
the movie screen. I did note however Spike Lee didn't pour on the bashing of
white people in this flick. This movie is totally ludicrous and made the
Summer Of Sam seem like an Oscar award winning film. Lee reached a whole new
low with this roll of toilet paper he calls a film.
Movie: * Screwed * (PG-13)
We all know that some people will do anything for money and revenge,
including snatching Snoopy. When a old bitchy boss won't cough up dough for
her kidnapped dog, her shlumpy chauffeur ups the ante and fakes his own
kidnapping; but the stupid bitch is a tightwad and won't pay up. He teams up
with a morgue roguester to fake his death, and the comedy criminal capers get
wilder and wilder until the chauffeur gets his way in this poor vs. rich
farce.
Starring: Danny DeVito and Norm MacDonald
Rating : I recommend seeing this movie only when extremely drunk or high.
Whatever floats your boat. It has an amusing comedy to it and gets better as
the movie rages on. A key missing ingredient is the drop dead gorgeous girl,
there wasn't one. It's evident that Devito and MacDonald are going broke and
have to take whatever work is available.
Movie: * U-571 * (PG-13)
This movie is a bit different then your average submarine movie. Nine heroic
Americans sneak (who would think it's possible to sneak on a sub?) on a
wounded German sub determined to steal a spy device that the Allies must own.
Why do we need it? Because the govt always takes what isn't theirs. Much to
my delight troubled waters churn when the undercover submariners are stranded
in enemy waters with a German U-boat on the way to recover the sub. Typical
race against the bad guys movie style. You will be surprised at the ending,
or not.
Starring: Matthew McConaughey and Jon Bon Jovi
Rating : Who gave Bon Jovi the right to act? Wasn't he in Barbwire? Anyway
this movie is right up there with the Hunt for Red October. It kicks ass and
thats what we want to see. This movie rates second only to Gladiator. What
makes that great is you can see them on consecutive nights. This movie is
female exceptable in most cases and should make for a great night at the
multiplex. If she really likes it you just may get to play submarine after
the movie.
Movie: * The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas * (PG-13)
Yabba dabba doo! The very first pg -13 Flintstones movie ! The popular '60s
cartoon comes alive when a poor young jiggalo named Fred Flintstone courts
the sophisticated slut Wilma, dragging her off for a romantic weekend in
scintillating Rock Vegas.
Starring: Mark Addy, Kristen Johnson, Stephen Baldwin and Rod Jeremy
Rating : Ok so Rod Jeremy isn't in this flick. He could have put it over the
top. This movie is aimed at kids and adults and misses both completely.
Either they should have showed why Fred was really yelling Yabba dabba doo,
or went with a different script. From this movie it leads me to believe that
Pebbles was born out of wedlock and forced Fred and Wilma to tie the knot,
effectively ending thier lives. Fred was forced to go bowling with his idiot
do gooder neighbor Barney and their cat like wives patroling the streets
after hours. We all know what happens while people are dating, so why didn't
they show the truth?
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